Shredded swine flesh.. and fried chicken embryos!

We’re from France

Beldar Conehead: “Ahhh! The morning meal! Shredded swine flesh.. and fried chicken embryos! Here. Dry citrus.”

Dateline Des Moines: Fans of classic Saturday Night Live will recognize Dan Aykroyd’s description of bacon and eggs. There was much “mass consumption of food” down in Iowa for the 2013 edition of their Blue Ribbon Bacon Festival.  Reports AP:

The smell of bacon was in the air Saturday as thousands converged on Iowa’s capital city for an increasingly popular festival celebrating all things connected with the meat.

Some people wore Viking hats and others walked around with makeshift snouts for the Blue Ribbon Bacon Festival. The annual event featured more than 10,000 pounds of bacon served in unusual ways, such as chocolate-dipped bacon and bacon-flavoured cupcakes and gelato.

“I love bacon more than I love my job,” said Katie Nordquist, who was dressed in a tuxedo T-shirt that looked like bacon Saturday for her first time at the festival.

And there was a lot of bacon to choose from. The smell of unique concoctions like bacon gumbo and chocolate bacon bourbon tarts wafted through one of two buildings at the Iowa State Fairgrounds. The other building had an Iceland theme, with a Viking boat and Icelandic dishes with bacon, to honour a group of delegates visiting from the country.

Local resident Mike Vogel showed up for a fourth year wearing a head-to-toe bacon costume. He said a widespread love for bacon is the reason about 8,000 tickets to the event sold out in just over three minutes.

“I think it’s the right time of year when everybody’s been cooped up,” said the 39-year-old videographer. “It’s a good time to get out, have some fun, try some new stuff, have a few beers and enjoy yourselves with everybody else.”

Other events scheduled included lectures about bacon and an eating competition. The festival was preceded earlier in the week with a bacon queen pageant and a pig pardon by Gov. Terry Branstad. Jessica Dunker, president and CEO of the Iowa Restaurant Association, said bacon used to be just a breakfast food. Now chefs from across North America use it in everything from vegetable dishes to desserts.

“It’s come a long way and you can find it in almost any kind of food or beverage offering,” she said.

Festival co-founder Brooks Reynolds, who officially started the event just a few years ago, said it’s become the largest bacon showcase in the world. He called the event a “bacon fellowship.”

“They can just bond with their fellow man and just celebrate the meat that everybody enjoys,” he said.

Courtesy of the website SNL transcripts, here is the full script of the Season 2, Episode 14 classic:

Prymaat Conehead: Good morning, dear. How was your sleep phase?

Beldar Conehead: Sufficient! And yours?

Prymaat Conehead: I dreamt of the Gelatin Bowl on our home planet Remulak.

[ they touch cones, emitting high erotic pitch ]

Beldar Conehead: Mmmmm.. you have stimulated me! Let us return to the sleep chamber immediately!

[ Connie enters front door; her cone is painted in psychedelic colors ]

Connie Conehead: Good morning, parental units. I must inform you now that I will not be home from school tonight.

Beldar Conehead: [ alarmed ] Your cone! Unacceptable! Undesirable! Unacceptable!

Connie Conehead: Oh, come on, Dad! I have altered my cone for tonight! I’m attending a concert of a popular music group, called Peter Frampton. For some reason, I am the only girl who could get backstage.

Prymaat Conehead: Mip! I cannot comprehend those irregular sound patterns that you enjoy. Now, the Vigra Orbs of Remulak – that was music.

Beldar Conehead: Yes.

Connie Conehead: Oh, Daddy.. I hate school so much. I have absorbed all the knowledge there is to know. When will the star cruisers come to take us off this planet?

Beldar Conehead: Hear me, young one: you are privileged. When I was a small cone, my family lived in an isolated quadron. I had to walk ten dextrons, knee-deep in farlite-crystals each day, to a little red one-room data center! I’ll never forget my first programmer, Miss Morlax. I wonder if her life functions are still active.

[ doorbell rings ]

Connie Conehead: I have to split. I will respond to the door signal.

Beldar Conehead: Allow the human to enter. Return at the pre-determined time coordinates.

Connie Conehead: I will try. [ opens door to IRS Agent ] Greetings. Enter. My name is Connie, I think you’re cute. [ exits ]

IRS Agent: Uh.. is this the, uh.. [ reading form ] ..Con-Ed residence?

Beldar Conehead: Conehead! The name is Conehead! Please identify yourself!

IRS Agent: Uh.. I’m Eli Turnbull, of the Internal Revenue Service.. and I have some questions I have to ask you here.

Beldar Conehead: Very well. Sit!

IRS Agent: Uh.. you see, Mr. Conehead, according to our records, you’ve only, uh.. [ Beldar begins to chugging a whole six-pack of beer ] ..you’ve only been filing since 1968. Uh..

[ Prymaat wheels out a breakfast cart ]

Beldar Conehead: Ahhh! The morning meal! Shredded swine flesh.. and fried chicken embryos! Here. Dry citrus.

Prymaat Conehead: Bacon and eggs.

Beldar Conehead: [ eating slovenly ] Mmm..

IRS Agent: I guess you folks are really into breakfast!

Prymaat Conehead: Visitor, we advise you to.. to consume mass quantities.. of food.

IRS Agent: Hey, hey, that’s okay. Um.. Mr. & Mrs. Conehead,, I’m just trying to sort out your tax situation before ’68. Now, for the last nine years, you’ve only been filing under the name “Mr. & Mrs. Conehead.” Do you have a first name?

Beldar Conehead: I am Beldar!

Prymaat Conehead: I am Prymaat!

IRS Agent: O-kayy.. [ writing information down ] “Beldar Conehead.” That’s great. Now, it says here, you’re currently employed as a driving school instructor?

Beldar Conehead: Correct.

IRS Agent: [ picks up bottle of Tang, chuckles ] Hey.. isn’t this the drink the astronauts took to the Moon?

Beldar & Prymaat: Astronauts to the Moon!! Ha ha ha ha ha!!

IRS Agent: Yeah.. Okay, now, uh.. from ’68 to ’70, you were living at the Burdette Falls Season Trailer Park in Moleen, Ohio?

Beldar Conehead: Iowa. Correct.

IRS Agent: Okay, now about these deductions for last year – you claimed $2,000 for stocking caps.. $7,000 for beer.. and $2,000 for titanium; what is titanium, anyway?

Beldar Conehead: [ quick ] The most durable metal known to mankind!

Prymaat Conehead: We need it to survive.

IRS Agent: Okay, fine.. now.. now, my main question is: where were you before 1968?

Beldar Conehead: We had not yet landed on this- in this country.

IRS Agent: Oh, I see.. then, you’re, you’re, you’re not from this country, you’re illegal aliens.

Prymaat Conehead: Yes! We come from France!

Beldar Conehead: France! We came from France!

IRS Agent: So.. you are aliens! That’s what I thought!

Beldar Conehead: Yes, our records were lost, when the craft which brought us from France plunged into Lake Michigan. We crawled from the bottom of the lake, and lived by night for years off our remaining proto-caps.

IRS Agent: Ye-eah.. listen.. I think I’ve got al the information I need right here. Um.. I’m just going to turn this over to Missing Records, and, uh.. there’s no problem! You know, I mean, I know where you’re coming from, hey! Stocking caps, titanium and beer – what the heck, it happens all the time! So, I’ll be going. [ heads for the door ]

Beldar Conehead: All things are woven of the same molecular fiber!

IRS Agent: [ humoring Beldar ] That’s so true.. I’m gonna write that down. Hey, taxes are no big deal, so, uh.. you call us! No problem!

Prymaat Conehead: Have a safe journey.

Beldar Conehead: Someday, you can take me to your supervisor.

IRS Agent: [ hurriedly ] Great.. great.. [ exits ]

Beldar Conehead: [ to Prymaat ] Do we have time for a quick one before I must prepare for work?

Prymaat Conehead: Yes. Let’s do it right here in the living room.

Beldar Conehead: Yes. Let’s.

[ they toss sensor rings upon one another’s cones ]

Beldar Conehead: You have stimulated me..! You have stimulated me..!

[ zoom out to fade ]